Bitter without the Sweet

Sometimes, I think to myself,
what have I done in my life,
what will I be remembered for,
what will those I love know me for,
and, in a most surreal irony,
what I fee is my worst misdeed,
will never be known.
So my family and friends will know me forever as,
as my soulmate once put it,
the sweetest guy you'd ever know,
but, then again, was that her thought in the end?
Even after she thought I'd abandoned her,
even after she'd fallen into hopelessness,
she still thought of me that way.
I suppose, in the end, I should be happy,
that I was the last thing on her mind,
my name was the final breath she brothe,
I was the one who held her hand as she stepped off the stool,
but, even then, if I comforted her in the end,
can I describe that as a comfort to me?
That in being there for her, I was also inherently why,
why she was there in the first place,
why she decided to end it all, so that,
should all be fore naught, that her pain would not unmake me,
that our separation, however long, could not undo her love,
and that only death. bitter and ageless, could keep her from me.
Maybe, some day, a lyricist or peot could find,
in their wandering musings,
that it was love that killed her, and that love had bought her only grief,
but I cannot see it as so. I felt her death, even should I never say it.
A tug in the middle of the night,
an unease as I laid there in my bed, fretting.
Not knowing, that across the bay, a part of me died.
Inexplicable tears leaping to my eyes as I imagined her,
alone, weeping or in distress. But what, I think, was more despairing,
was when the feeling passed, when the world went silent,
and I couldn't feel the heartbeat at the other end of the line,
as her innocent heart stopped beating,
her eyes no longer able to see the wonderful world around her,
her flame lost and snuffed out in the darkness, thinking herself alone.
I did not know until later,
but my soul knew long before I did, that, suddenly,
ever so suddenly, I was alone in the world.
That I would never see her again.
And then, the world broke. 
I see reality through those shards.
I feel emotions through the thick malaise.
And yet, the only emotion,
under those bittersweet moments with her in my memory,
is that of despair, that I had failed her, that I had killed her myself.
So, in the end, the sweet fades away,
leaving only bitter memories ashen in my mouth.