Checkout Blues

“It’s such a mans world!”
So many women say
But try packing your shopping bags
On a busy Saturday
-
​​There must be some kind of mystic order
Where only women can go,
Passed on from mother to daughter
No man must ever know
-
I felt as if I must be  somehow lacking
As she scowled and said “do you need help packing?”
The gauntlet thrown  down , this was a challenge indeed!
I thought sod this orderly packing – I’m going for speed!
-
Our eyes locked in the heat of battle
And she drew a knowing grin
I braced my hands, grabbed a carrier bag
This challenge would begin
-
It dawned on me, as she scanned my food
That there was more at stake than pride
A hush fell on the supermarket
There was nowhere left to hide
-
This was a skill I could never master
As she scanned the food – faster and faster
Corned beef, sausage rolls tuna by the tin
I’m a man, I cannot organise! So l began to squash it in!
-
I needed a distraction
And had to buy some time
So I threw some vouchers at her
Determined victory was mine
-
Finally a break!
An item wouldn’t scan
I grabbed some fruit, shoved tomatoes in
But I nearly dropped the spam
-
My head held high, my pride intact
I headed for the door
But my five pence bags split their sides
And my shopping hit the floor
-
She unfolded her arms, looked down on me
And her heaving bossom sagged
“It was a schoolboy error, you packed too fast
And you should have double bagged!”