Deck of Cards

Living a life like mine is like living through a deck of cards
At first everything seems easy, seems simple, 
And then out of nowhere,  everything then becomes hard
There's the cards that are numbered 1-10
Those cards are nice, low, and calm;
I also have days where I'm nice, low, and calm… but not often
Then there's the cards that start with an Ace..
This is a tricky card as it can represent two different things;
1 or 11, depends on the game or the strategy you're using
I have multiple days of being an Ace, why? 
Because of the pain I hide on my face
Because of the feeling that I belong somewhere, yet still out of place
I can relate to being an Ace because there are days and times
Where I don't know if I'm coming or going, 
or who I even want to be sometimes, 
Like some days I love nothing but silence, 
Then some other days, I love the soothing sound of windchimes
See how confusing it is living a life as if you were a deck of cards?
I don't know how I do it honestly, life sometimes gets really too hard
Coming next is the King and Queen. Rawr.
Somedays I feel like I am all mighty! 
Those are the days I like to keep everything including myself tidy!
But, if I'm not next to my King, then that's when I become A Jack..
A complete and miserable Jack..ass! 
My moods change quicker than I can even try to begin to get grasped!
I look forward to my future; and although it;
might be kind of hard to see or believe, I do
But when I'm being a jackass, time stops,
everything stops, I lose focus and I lose my breath and then I collapse
Because those are the days I'm usually getting stuck remembering my past
Then you have the Joker Card, oooh this is my favorite card
Here's why, It doesn't have a set label, it can be its own thing
I have several days where I don't know what tomorrow will bring
Moods swinging near or far, barely hanging on by a thread
Wishing some days that I can take back certain words I've ever said
But that's not how life works, especially not a life like a deck of cards
Moods are okay today, but what about tomorrow? Or the next day?
Jokers are my type of card to play, just be careful what you do or say
I'm not a mean person by nature or by blood, 
but it's something I've gotten good at these days
I'm living my life with multiple moods, 
And possibly even with multiple personalities;
But somewhere along the cards in my brain, I'm somewhat tamed
I may be put together well on the outside;
But if you ever lived a life like mine, you'd never be the same
Because I won't lie, some days I hear nothing on the inside;
And some other days I hear voices that drive me absolutely insane 
And living in today's society, and in today's day in age;
And because my moods are so relatable to the characters in a deck of cards
I have earned the jester of having Jekyll & Hyde as my middle name
I know I need to get my mind right, I'm not going to give up or stray
But I'm currently stuck in my own terrifying ways, 
and I'm not sure if I really want to change.

Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/21/2025