Fallen Angel

Dear Abby,

I need some advice because I have fallen deeply depressed lately, some background first.

I used to hold a prominent position in Heaven.

I was dashing and had a hopeful career ahead of me.

I was in charge of worship; I hung out in the Big Guy's inner sanctum.

I guess you could say, well, I started to get a little full of myself.

I started to let my job go to my head, like happens to a lot of successful men.

I kind of started demanding that lower angels worship me a little.

I found that my desire to, oh shall we say, take over, wasn't appreciate by the Power That Be, so I got kicked out; No severance package, no golden parachute, no nothin'.

I had to start over down here, not in some glamorous mansion in the underworld.

I found at first it was easy, a little trading, a little tempting, a little chaos.

I discovered more recently that technology is often not my friend.

I started getting some very bad press.

I loved the old days when I was just some lunatic caught up in power.

I found that now I am some kind of evil overlord, really? I am not bad guy.

I have read books, seen movies and heard music that makes me to be the ultimate villain.

I have never been so insulted.

I don't think any one understands the suffering I undergo watching my reputation get flushed down the toilet.

I still retain much of my former good looks, yet I am seen as some ugly red dude with a forked tail and tongue.

I have a lovely, deep, rich singing voice, not something out of a video game.

I don't even own a pitch fork. Where the hell did that come from?

I have such a magnificent following from the old days, but the last hundred years or so, eh, I am getting more and more unworthy followers and am not sure what to do with them.

I long for the days of simple seduction of souls, direct manipulation to, what does that movie series call it, "the dark side."

I can so totally get into that; the Emperor is my favorite character of all time.

I am so lost.

I need some guidance.

I have read you for years and know you can help me.

I beg you to share your wisdom with this suffering soul.

Signed,

The very coolest Archangel

Dear Cool Archangel,

You seem to be very self-absorbed seeing as how every sentence begins with "I."

You also appear to care very much about what others think about you.

You should try to rediscover yourself and express a better side if you want the public opinion to change.

You need to get over yourself and get a life.

Signed,

Dear Abby

(Printed Posthumously after her strange death being crushed by a piano falling from 25 story window near her office.)