FINDING ME

I am not seen
I am not known
You cannot see me
I'm on the outside
Looking in
Fading slowly
I am not real
I don't exist
I do not matter at all
How can I be understood
If you can't hear me
When I call?
In this world
I'm here one moment
And then, I'm gone
Fading in and out
But where?
Where do I belong?
Neglected, abused, abandoned
Living with fear
Inside my head
I hide, I fade, I disappear
As I quietly wait
In dread
You can't see me
You can't hear me
Though I hide
In plain sight
Quietly, silently
I hold my breath
Through the night
I am not here
I do not matter
I am not real
You cannot harm me
You cannot touch me
I do not feel
But now I try to find me
I tell myself
It's okay
You can come out of hiding now
The dreadful past
Has gone away
But now it's hard to find me
After hiding all these years
To understand my deepest needs
Through guilt, through shame
Through tears
To let the world back in again
To be vulnerable and bare
To accept who I am, ME
I feel so damned needy
As I try
To break free