Hurtful Words

I wish you happiness and peace. I never wanted anything from you...
Other than your friendship. You have shown me such wonders
Opened my eyes to who I was, parts of me I thought dead, locked away
I will never forget these parts of the man you are... caring and an inspiration

You told me I was irritating yet you wouldn't say why
The only thing you would say is that I am the worst of me at times
You said you were giving me friendly advise because you were concerned
I took everything you said to heart, truly listened to you though I was shattered

In my naivete, I had you on a pedestal, a man who could do no wrong
In reality, I saw you being human, angry, sad, frustrated on many occasions
But never did I see you as cruel to anyone, on the contrary
I saw you taken advantage of, your good will tested to its limits

Talented, charismatic, knowing human nature as well as you do
Over time we became friends, though I knew it wasn't on a deep level
You took time on occasion to have deeper conversations
A connection and camaraderie developed even as you tested me

In time, I started to open my heart and you originally took it as intended
A friend telling her male friend she loved him, platonically
More conversations and I figured out how to push you a bit
I saw the very best you could be and after a time, you listened

Then an errant message came to me, shattering my image of the idol
Words that no person should say about another, friend, foe, or acquaintance
Cutting deeply, searing my soul so thoroughly it may never shine again
I am angry that I lost sight of you as what you are- just a man with flaws

I've tried to justify your words, see what you saw and felt,  to understand
I missed all the cues you tried to give me that night, the looks, body language
A swift kick to the shin under the table would have been far more effective
Communication is the key to relationships you said, I needed a cuff on the head

We hold each other to a very high standard and both of us failed miserably 
Was I the last straw of your frustrations of the 10 days of herding 15 people
Was I the convenient whipping girl because you know I will listen
That I will take your words and not scoff, ignore your advice, or make a scene

At least you know what has angered me so and hurt me so deeply
A friend, whether close or more of a social friend, would never, ever
Say the things you put in writing in your fit of Annie Rooney
I forgive you, but my trust is gone and I am not sure I will give it again

A valuable lesson I learned and it gives me pause
To re-evaluate how I speak of those who have caused me irritation or 
When writing or speaking to someone and use phrases that can be taken
As mean spirited, two faced, or unkind... I must make that change to be a better person

It seems I am no longer worthy of a simple hello and wonder what else I have done
Leaving in its wake the process of healing, the time needed to knit together
The ragged edges and inevitable scar and the hope that I may, in time
Be able to again share the unique connection and comfortable camaraderie

You have left me afraid of your wrath, afraid of saying and doing everything
In your presence for the fear you will talk about me to others
That I am a pariah and nuisance, to be tolerated and gossiped about with pals 
A side of you I didn't think existed, yet I know you are just a man, with flaws

It shouldn't matter what other people, you... think of me
It only matters what I think of me. I despise who I am, socially inept and obnoxious
Though you told me I am a good person, I scoffed and you tried to make it better
Tunnock's,  I remembered you like them, a small gesture to brighten your day

The experience will become a catalyst for change as I am won't to do
I am not good at forgiving myself, but you... I will forgive without reservation
Because in forgiving you, I may have some hope that I may, in time, forgive me
In forgiving me, there might be a chance that this friendship will survive

In time I hope you can see that I am not and never was a threat
I am a brilliant, caring, scared, and flawed woman and I make mistakes
You and your wife have shown me what love looks like, how it should be
Someday I will find someone as special to me as she is to you