I'm Not Santa Claus

I get really upset and frustrated this time of the year.
Children think I'm Santa Claus with eight reindeers.
Kids think that I'm Santa because I'm fat and have a beard that's long and white.
They don't believe me when I say I won't come to their homes on Christmas night.
When I'm at restaurants, children constantly sit on my lap.
I tell them to take a hike and their mothers give me a slap.
Kids ask me how many elves are working at the North Pole.
They tug on my beard and some even lose bladder control.
I'm getting really sick and tired of this happening to me.
I smell really bad because kids soil my clothes with their pee.
I tell kids over and over that I'm not Santa but they never buy it.
Because I'm fat, a smart aleck little boy told me to go on a diet.
I couldn't be Santa Claus even if I wanted to because I'm afraid of heights.
I can't convince the little brats that I won't be showing up on Christmas night.