In Advance

Once, I touched the stems
Of flowers in advance
For the date you said we’d go on.
And now in my chest
There lies a fragment of my heart
That deems you cruel,
For if indeed I had gone through…
Its petals would have formed the hand of time,
And day by day I’d have watched as it dried,
Reminding me each and every night
The ways in which I never cross your mind.

In advance, I wish I knew
That all your promises weren’t true,
But back then I had no clue
That I was wasting time with you.
And everything you said you’d do
Never would come to pass.
All our little moments
Never were to last.

The well of tears I’m sure I’d fight
Would have overcome me every night
If in advance I had gone through—
With the flowers I had picked
For you:
Lilies painted light bright blue
And eight buds as small as cashews,
Mixed with larger daffodils,
Set to fade in five—
Days that would have taunted me
As I spent them cursing you
Under minty breath,
Through teeth I brushed not long ago,
Whilst my tension with the mirror
Reached a climax
Far beyond all my control.

From my reflection, what I’d have seen
Is droplets of water escape from me,
Decorating the surface of skin
And traveling down
To the base of my neck—
A part of me that would have been forever turned sideways,
Pondering and dissecting the flatness of the ceiling,
Anything to avoid the sunlit window
Where the dreaded leafed clock would’ve lain.

Such a story that might have been
If I had gone through
With the flowers
That I almost got for you—
In advance.