Poem -
Just Asleep
Do not wake me. I am asleep
I know you want to but please do not wake me
I am safeÂ
Hold my hand if it comforts you
But I am asleep,no need to weep
Stroke my Brow if it comforts you
But I am asleep, no need to weep
Watch my passing if it comforts you
But I am asleep, no need to weep
I am safe
No tear should I feel for it is wasted here
No need for sorrow I am at peace as I sleep
As I said 'I am asleep'
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Comments
Pleased to hear any feedback on my poem? Inspired by being involved in peoples passing and loved ones needs.
Feedback please?
Hi Jane
I thought this was a good idea as a poem, repetition can work well to emphasise a point, or maybe an emotion.  The repetion here served well too, I could see how there would be reassurance in these words for those grieving.  It did fall a little bit flat on the last line for me.  From a writing perspective, it felt a little bit curt, I perhaps would have softened the line, and not used 'As I said'!  Just an opinion Jane, writing is very much at the reader's discretion lol! A nice piece, I look forward to reading more :)
Your comments are just. I wanted to portray the end but having looked at it again it  might be a bit brutal. Softening would enhance my message. Thank you for reading and your feedback.   Â
A clean..soothing and beautiful piece..!!Â
Great write up..!
Keep Writing
Love
Surabhi:)
Thank you. I intend to. Thank you for reading and feedback. Working on my next effort. Â
Thank you. Much more to come. I hope to ease the grief process.
very nice congrats x