LIFE SCRIPT

Early on in my young life
I developed the habit- or pattern-
Of becoming dependent on others-
Perhaps not through laziness,
Rather through fear and
Lack of confidence.
This problem was drawn to my attention
At around the age of ten, by my teacher:
At this particular time a fiend
Was helping me-
Well- I had come to let him:
He was a little bossy
And I was happy to passively
Allow him to help too much.
The pattern continues with others
To this day- and I live most
Of my life in a daydream-
Half- asleep-
That is perhaps why I
Have a tendency to
Inadvertently annoy people.
I’m frequently a guest,
An awkward presence
Seldom a host;
I’ve never cooked for a party,
Relying on others and…
…I’ve been told so many times
That I’m inadequate.
By a teacher
By employers
By my father
And other family members
And other people.
So they must be right.
I feel out of my depth
And uneasy with change:
I lived with my mother
Till I was nearly 29,
With her cooking, cleaning,
Shopping, washing clothes,
Washing up (I helped)
And emptying the bins.
Bills.
So when I moved out
And got a place of my own-
A place on my own
It was all so new
And I was still half- asleep.
Sleepwalking in what was-
For me- uncharted territory.
Photographs of friends
Put up on the walls to
Make me feel less lonely
Though it seemed perhaps
As though they were looking
At me:  Judging.
I would come home from work;
The dishes hadn’t been done,
The house was a mess.
What a headache.
Trying to cope then
(and still trying to cope now).
What happens when a mind
Awakens from a slumber
And sees the decades left
To live, knowing there’s
No way back?
You’re not good enough
You’re not good enough
You’re not good enough
You’re not good enough
I’m not good enough.
I don’t know quite what
Happens except that
When I was in these
Uncharted territories
And then had a bad
Migraine and was able
To see things clearly
No going back
No going back.
I suddenly experienced
Passivity of volition
And spent a fortnight
In hospital- adjusting
I suppose
To my new circumstances
So I could face my brand new world.

MDC