Undiagnosed

It's nights like these where I lay in bed with only my fan's rattling and my destructive thoughts.
I turn off any light source so my room is pitch black, I lie on the floor and I close my eyes and open them to find the same dark and empty feeling.
I toss and turn and cry occasionally and hope for blissful sleep, even though most of my recent mornings I still wake up tired.
I pull myself out of bed and put on waterproof mascara so if I cry during the day no one can tell.
I have to be happy though.
So I smile and make small talk, a giggle every now and again so it feels normal.
No one can know I'm less than a ball of sunshine. That I want to go to sleep for a few months, which in medical terms would probably be referred to as a coma, and I'm still okay with that.
My subconscious haunts and taunts me throughout the day of pretending to be quirky. 
I find relieve in a steaming hot shower, pretending as if the hotter the water, the happier I'll be, and the longer I bathe, I'll cleanse something other than my body.
Somehow my mind always drifts to thinking about how I don't deserve anything. Or anybody.
How there's been relationships that I pushed away someone because I felt as if I would mess it up anyway.
I always make excuses in my head to not deserve happiness, or I'm not able to achieve happiness.
Whether it's the fear of someone hurting me or the fact that I've been hurt before.
I used to fear the dark. I feared not being able to see. I feared uncertainty. I still fear uncertainty, but now I find comfort in the dark.
I used to fear heights. I feared being picked up to where I could touch the ground. I feared the potential drop. I now respect heights, and while they still frighten me, whether or not I'm dropped is not my decision, it'll happen if it does.
I used to fear people. Speaking up. Speaking out. I now fear emotions. Not only of others but of my own as well.
I know there's something wrong with me. Well there's actually a lot wrong with me, but I'm speaking of mentally. I can't tell anyone of that because I can't have something else wrong with me. Something else that makes me feel undesirable. 
Eczema, asthma, autism, A.D.D., A.D.H.D., a whole piece of college ruled paper of allergies and other conditions.
I can't have something else wrong with me.
I'd rather it all be unknown.
I'd rather just go undiagnosed.