Vision of hopelessness

Presently positioned in a fucked up predicament
Sabotaged sanity
Seeking sanctuary
Beneath an expansive canopy
Happiness
always seems to flee
Is it even a possibility
This unkind rollercoaster
Consistently killing me
Seeking the peace that avoids me elusively
Plenty of questions
Unsure what that answers be
Testing my patience regularly
Fighting through masses of madness
One man military
Pulled in opposing directions
Mislead by misconceptions
Ever-changing perceptions of truth
Sometimes the magnitude of misery
Gets to me
Creating an attitude
Of what's the use
All I know is based upon
Experiences
And decisions I choose
Gaining knowledge from every conflict
Regardless if I win or lose
External distractions are no match
For internal attacks
On my solace and serenity
Fuck the world
I'm my own worst enemy
Why don't I understand
A technically sound strategy
To do what it takes
And overcome
Self inflicted
Easily predicted blows
Shaking my whole soul
From the top of my mop
To the tip of my toes
Frequently frozen
By choices made or not
Does this incredible pain
Know no end
Am I in charge
or is an unknown force controlling
My mind that seems incapable
Of making my being stable
Could I be cognitively disabled
Rarely I see
The complete picture
Allowing an educated decision
Wants and needs
Completely conflictin
No intention of being forgiven
I must be
A Fucking zombie
Cause this ain't livin
Imprisoned by a shell constrictin
My growth
My ideal being and actual one are
Polar opposites
That hardly come close
Inside I'm tied with no practical plan
Beaten severely by failures
More and more frequent
Totally tempted to jump off the
Deep end
Admit complete defeat
Cover my carcass with a clean white sheet
Tag a toe on one of my feet
Stuck in the middle
Of a ridiculous riddle
Suffering so silent
Destructive forces become
More and more violent
Violins follow my
Mechanical movements
If my skull didn't contain my brain
I'd undoubtedly lose it
Pleasure and pain always confusin
Roaming mental patient
Trying to find what's left of my right mind
Bogus mission
Searching for treasure that
Ain't even missin
Contradictin victim
Of preventable circumstance
Blocking any and every chance to advance
Preventing progress
With an avoidable obstacle
Blaming make believe parties
When I'm solely responsible
Equipped with a dangerous ability
To deny accountability
As every reliable witness
Is pointing at me
Making sure there's no doubt
I'm the one who's guilty