What is it... to be a woman?

I am a woman, but that is a gender... it is not me
Society sees me as an object of sexual fantasy
I see me as a young girl exploring a world that objectifies my sex
My partner sees me as a maid, friend, someone to experience things with

But what am I? What IS a woman?
I can only relate what it is that I am, what makes me a woman
Each woman must evaluate what makes them.... a woman
Identify that which defines the life each female leads... to woman

I am a little girl begging for my dad's attention
Hiding from my mother because I didn't clean my room
Devouring all the math books the school had and demanding more
Subjected to the bullies of the school because I am "different," tall, bluntly honest

Music... I am music. How it creates a world where there is only joy
Through a musical I discover acting and I grow once more into a persona, not me
A man, in a one man play, portrays an old woman. A Crabbit Old Woman and I weep
A mission in life I have now. To be eloquent on stage, to never become the Crabbit old woman

I am an athlete! Ranked 10th in the nation in tennis when I was in the 10 & unders
I speed down the track as a sprinter, heft the shot put, they don't let girls throw the javelin...
I can SWIM like a fish.. unless it is the butterfly.. I suck at the butterfly
I run, and run, and run... 25 miles my first week in cross country: a 1/2 marathon run

College I try, fun, social, I don't fit in, music and theater are not a career says mom
I work at the Hollywood Bowl and learn so much, yet I still don't fit in. I push my body too hard
Sick I become, I am unable to be independent and mom comes to whisk me home
Emergency tonsillectomy and months of recovery, I have to leave home again

I am a soldier. I heal first humans, then animals. Animals are my passion
I tour the world helping animals, meeting people, keeping soldiers from sickness
I learn... I yearn to learn everything and I finally go back to school
I am a scholar at 40! Still I am trying to become... me

I meet a man who becomes my mate, but this fails from alcohol and drugs
He cannot take the responsibility of being married to me and leaves in his sodden state
I meet another man who is happiness personified and he fills me with hope and love
Our journey together rife with struggles with depression will soon die after 27 years, I cannot fix him

I am a teacher of young animal nurses and I launch on my own journey of improvement
I am a caretaker and referee of my parents, aging, they are afraid and it is killing them
I am again a scholar at yet a higher level and I REVEL in the journey
I am a friend. Some are oceans away, some close, all very important to me

I save horses and heal broken people though I am not in the business of people
I worry, I doubt, I triumph, I dream, I am tired, I am overworked and underpaid
I am strong, independent, opinionated, caring, weak, and no one has seen the "real" me
I am a woman who fails, tries, falls, goes after what she wants, gets knocked down

I am over 1/2 a century and in a renaissance of finding myself, parts and pieces I thought lost
I am find the little kid in me again and I love her laughter, tears, and hopes
I am taking a wrecking ball to those walls I erected for protection as a young girl
I am open to others for the FIRST time in my life and it is terrifying yet liberating

I find a place where I feel at home, able to let my guard down, show emotions, laugh
I am discovering that I am capable of great feelings and I start letting them surface
I cannot keep them in any longer and I slowly release my fear of rejection and ridicule
I let go of the pain, the frustration, the doubt and repression I thought I needed

I am a woman who needs to be touched, platonic or romantic, but scared to let others in
I can be frail, shy, embarrassed, or bold without reprisal or judgement
I am my own worst enemy, battling myself to be perfect in an imperfect world
I am also my own best supporter, prodding myself to be better than I was yesterday

I am woman as in the song, I am strong and I can roar when needed, exceedingly tender if I choose
I can go from 0 to bitch in 2.7 seconds and back again without holding a grudge
I remember everything but choose to forget much, intuitive, perceptive beyond most
I am a mass of conflicting ideas, emotions, and everyone thinks they see a strong, powerful woman

This is who I am .. in gender, a woman.. but in reality... a human being
One who is terrified to show the world who I am, but longs to have someone understand
As a woman I can build my own dwelling or allow another to take care of me when I need it
And as a woman I am every man's equal... as a human being