Where do I go from here?

The past has reared it's ugly head
Remembering how I WISHED YOU DEAD
My god,that night my wish came true!
The DEVIL took your life from you
No more evil forced upon me
This wish has surely set me free?
But now I'm left with guilt and shame
For your death. Am I to blame?
Guilt forced me to the mortuary 
Apologies, it's cus of me 
Voices in my head so LOUD
He lay there in a pale blue shroud...
As if he lay in wait for heaven 
At the gates; be forgiven?
Still a child; who to tell?
Another wish; GO TO HELL
Led by guilt to the grave
Went for answers feeling brave 
Wrote a letter addressed to him
Left it where the maggots swim..
Inside a pot; meant for flowers
Couldn't cry; sat for hours
Inflated balloon with my breath
Exhaling memories of his death
A childhood robbed; a life time torn
I let go the balloon ...And mourned
For a little girl who loved to dance
For she never had the chance
Trouble is he ISN'T dead
I feel him when I lie in bed
Even now he rapes my mind...
Sanctuary will I ever find?