In the dark

     The last time I saw light ,was when I was coming out of my mother and from then I lived my days in darkness. You don't understand the emptiness that I felt on a daily basis, you don't understand how the taste of food lingered on my tongue. I imaged what the taste of a burger or even eggs would taste like because I never did have it. I was full, but in reality I was starving and I was dying deep in my heart. Parents aren't perfect and my mom wasn't perfect but I didn't know what to make of her. She smelled like cigars and liquor and sometimes brought random men to the house; I was scared. They looked at me and smiled sometimes. One time I got pushed and I fell on the floor with my Mandy. Mandy was my only doll ...I loved her because no body else did. I would hide in my room when I was scared , in my closet , under my bed with Mandy. Mom would cry loud sometimes, or laugh, or shout at the men and the most nastiest words would come out of their mouth. I cried silently, I hoped they would forget I existed , I hope those men didn't remember I was somewhere in this apartment , id fall asleep on the corner away form the door.

        Sometimes I'd wake up and mom was gone. Shed be gone for days, and I'd eat the little bit of cereal and milk that was left. Sometimes id eat my moms chexs mix but id made sure she wasn't around when I did. Onetime she lost it and I thought I was going to die. I loved going to school , I felt happy, I felt loved and even though I didn't have many friends I didn't care. I had one friend besides Many, her name was Cora . You know what I liked about her? She never questioned me. At points I would show up to school in bruises on my arms but she would ignore them. I  knew she saw them, I know, everyone did. She would bring me a spare of clothes everyday but then stopped because her mom started to wonder why she had so much dirty clothes. She was my best friend , Mandy and I always appreciated her company. One day Cora moved away and then my only happiness vanished and it went along with her. I never saw her again, and I stopped attending school. Mom needed me, it was the biggest excuse I told myself and I hoped she really did.......I made myself believe it.

         Things changed , I don't know if they were for the better or for the worse. My heart was floating with different emotions and it all started with a knock on the door. Mom was passed out on the couch . Wet saliva dripping out of mouth, a cup on the floor filled with God knows what. Her  natural scent of Cigars and liquor filled the room. It was a aroma , I was used to it. "Get the door, Get the door its probably Jeff Get the damn door girl! " Mom sounded furious but that was mom most of the time. Jeff from what I can recall was an off and on lover who sometimes came by for a good time , he was very abuse .I never understood why my mom wanted him so bad. How could a woman want a man who beats on her and even her own child? Those bruises were hard to hide yah know?

            I  opened the door, I didn't even ask to see who it was. I scared , it was Jeff I already knew why bother. Getting ready to hide behind the door, but it wasn't Jeff. Instead it was a group of people men, woman , it was the police. They held me and carried me out the door. I pushed, I cried, what was going on? They dragged mom out the house and I heard her cry. "Mom mom !!!" I cried. Regardless of the kind of mother that they labeled her...she was still my mom and a part of me loved her... even if she made me feel miserable .I guess I just wanted her to be okay was that so bad of me? The ride to big city was made my stomach sink. They asked me various of questions and to some I didn't know how to answer. What did they want from me? Where were they taking me? but most importantly where was my Mom? I Remember being so annoyed by the all the questions that they asked, but I kept my silent. If nobody cared before about what came out of my mouth...why in the hell did suddenly want to hear me speak? I wasn't sick, I wasn't dying. I was hurt, I was tired, and I  just..I just....wanted to be in a different position. The car ride was finally over.

           Due to time I ended up in the orphanage .  Those endless car rides with people who seemed to give a damn about me were over. They took me to big buildings and always told to Hold on . I didn't understand things, I didn't know what their was to come. What was court? I ended up their on several occasions. Questions pouring back and fourth and even then I kept my silence. Mom was their, and though I  missed her I  couldn't even look at her. I  stared at the floor and admired my new shoes that were given to me. She was my mom and I loved her, that's all I could ever think through out the whole trail. I didn't like being in the Orphanage much, I wasn't used too it. Luckily one of the cops felt bad for me and ended up adopting me. Her name was Ruth ,she was the only cop I could stand. Its funny though...even when the case was going on she never did talk to me. I  think that's why she liked me, she was quite, I grew to hate loud people who questioned me.

            I cant say I was the same after that. She introduced me to what was called conditional love. At points I wanted to call her Mom, I couldn't. She gave me the best childhood I could never have. I wasn't sure if I deserved it, but it was. I was so young when that horror accrued, but it always remained fresh in my memory. I was seven and i feel as if im scard for life. I haven't seen my mom since that time in court but I cant forget the way she smelled , the way she looked. I still don't like to talk about it. She was my mom and call me crazy ,but I still love her. I know now what its like to be a real mom, what real love feels like, it just took me awhile. As a child you cant process everything but those memories.....oh how they  stayed with me.