49 Days Until...

2 months from now will be the first time I've been before a crowd since 2012...
Time to scramble through my written hell...
And here goes the confusion,
The mental contusions,
Losing my sanity writing something dissatisfying
Then back to trying to find something worth memorizing
Tenderizing my mind
With every attempt to write more than 5 lines
I'm lucky enough if I get past 2-3
Usually I rarely do, by then I'm losing it
Crumbling page after page, beyond through with it
"I gotta sell my soul to truly do this, screw this!"
Blackheart trying to convince me doing that is vital
I'll have ripped out half my spiral
It if was human I'll have snapped its spinal, cord
This is what I'm headed for
This is what I go through with whatever I'm prepping for
So here's to another 2 months of this
The road to victory of self begins with nothingness...