Damn Houseguest

I'm sorry to say that I have a houseguest.
The asshole is a troublemaker and a pest.
He weighs over four hundred pounds.
The bastard sucks my groceries down.
He eats all of my food and won't pay for it.
It's irritating and I can no longer ignore it.
He went next door and slept with my neighbor's wife.
He left my license there and it could've cost me my life.
He made it look like I slept with her and my neighbor grabbed his shotgun.
I told him that I was innocent but he shot me in the ass and I had to run.
I got even by putting a lot of laxative in my houseguest's soup.
He has gone to the toilet seven times to poop.
I did something else but maybe I went too far.
I called the cops after putting cocaine in his car.
The cops just placed that moron under arrest.
I'm very happy to get rid of my houseguest.
He made me life a living hell and I sure am happy to see him go.
If somebody ever wants to be your houseguest, you'd better say no.