Honest John Of Ebay

I'm a crook, I'm a liar and a total cheat,
The worst on ebay you could ever meet.
I deviously call myself Honest John,
I'll grab your cash and then I'm gone.

Sold a poetry book to a sucker named Shaun,
Kept the loser dangling from dusk till dawn.
I swore on the Bible it's simply in the post,
Made a pretty penny from that I can boast

I'm a brand new seller just launched on ebay,
With no negative feedback you can't wait to pay.
For my endless goodies that are on display,
Will leave you spellbound and in my sway.

Oh look at that so cheap at half the price,
I'll order three for they so tease and entice!
My listings are simply too good to be true,
And an endless hell I'll put you through.

For all your paid items you value the most,
Oops a daisy! Again been lost in the post.
The money pours in and quite a tidy packet,
For items never sent that's part of my racket.

Rarely some eventually receive what I've sent,
It'll cause quite a scene and much discontent.
For the poorly packaged parcel they unwrap,
Is not what they've ordered just full of crap.

I don't give a monkeys, a damn or a toot,
I love ripping you off and taking your loot.
The ultimate con-man the crook with no heart,
From poor gullible fools, your dosh I do part.

And once they have paid it's mine to keep,
Never to be repaid and I never lose sleep.
I'm a true charlatan, the vile seller from hell,
Offering golden riches with my black spell.

I'm always upping the bidding, it's called simply shill,
For I'm a crafty lazy swine with oodles of time to kill.
You'll tear your hair out and then pay through your nose,
Oh God how many more bids for those designer clothes!

I'm the monkey in the wrench, that bad Indian penny,
Noble morals or honest scruples, I don't possess any.
Now behold my items, what's on view,
Part of my deceitful display I offer you.

Perhaps The Hitler Diaries the complete set,
Written in hieroglyphics with the ink still wet.
Or a rare Napoleonic bone china tea-set,
A Barbie pink plastic mug is all you'll get.

Pricey Louis Vuitton shoes for your loving wife,
You take out a bank loan for a blunt bread-knife.
Maybe a Christian bible that will make you vex,
When a little old lady unwraps The Joy Of Sex.

And when at last my fate on ebay is sealed,
I'll disappear, my real name never revealed.
But I'll be back, you wait and see,
Under the guise of Trusted Tiffany