Inmate

They took me back the other day. To a day I went insane. They put me on a hold a 51/50, no more rights, for I am told. Flashbacks of the day I was sixteen and fighting demons, going through withdrawals; loaded onto a gurney just sitting there sweating, shaking, tweaking. Can’t stop thinking. Where am I going is my pain showing. My mind, like a million race car engines. All I did was love you, all I did was love the idea of being gone. Dreaming of the day I can be gone. Back to reality, they’ve stamped my permanent record with the diagnosis of insanity. Hospital bracelet, holds my name but by body just holds shame. They stripped me of my clothes, and my dignity. Put me into a gown that doesn’t fit who I am, like a queen without a crown. Tears steam down my face, I’m just a disgrace. No one is here, no one is standing by my side. Happiness is something I’ll never find. An officer takes me to a metal door, used to keep in monsters hidden in human flesh. The door opens and I’m pushed inside, I turned and tried to run, but this time is done. There the room was padded, there a bed was bolted to the ground. I could scream but behind this metal door you won’t hear a sound. Put in a jacket held straight, I became irate. I planned on my escape, I planned on how to get out. Given a tranquilizer shot and left to pout. I looked down, I feel like such a clown. You don’t know the pain of looking your mom in the eyes and tell her about all your lies. Every plate of food, developing an eating disorder changed my attitude. I wanna be free, this place is making my life worse can’t you see. They let us out to see the sky, this next part is no lie. I was in this gate, surrounded in bushes with a small square cutout, I stood there. All I could do was stare. I saw the world move, go on without me, a new life I was able to see. I’m an inmate of a mental disorder, this is no joke. Every word of sadness I spoke, left others to the point of leaving me. I’m a lost cause, can’t you see. I’m not what I wanted to be. I used to be something, I had it all, on top of the world I stood tall. I’m a high school dropout with an honor roll history and a full ride scholarship, some truth in life doesn’t fit. Finally, the abuse led to drug misuse. That’s was landed me in the hospital, that’s what made me do what others saw as impossible. That day I tried to end my life, that day I wanted to tell the world goodbye. This persona of a happy person is a lie. Finally the doors opened. My last words spoken. I saw the world around me, but I couldn’t see. I was out, but I saw what life was really about. What I say is in reality, these demons in my mind will always imprison me, I will never truly be free.​​​​​​