Limericks By Happy Jack

IT'S ONLY A MYTH
A survey says Canada's a great place to live
I'll vouch for that, I'm biased, please forgive
Except for our winters
Creating white whiskers
The rumor we have is, summer's only a myth

ARMS AS LONG AS A GORILLA
There once was a lady named Matilda
With arms as long as a gorilla
When she hugged you tight
It took all your might
To breathe, your face buried in her chinchillas

GESUNDHEIT
Got some friends from across the sea
Who yell gesundheit whenever they sneeze
A German word for health
And for excusing oneself
For getting gunk on bystander's chemise

MY CUCKOO SON
Have a cuckoo son named Scott
Like me, he makes people giggle a lot
With his silly antics
A slight bit manic
A true chip off this old guy's block

TINGLE AND TWITCH
When thoughts of you ladies fill my brain
I tingle and twitch and forget my name
See what you do
You darlings, you
You fillies are sweeter than a cup of aspartame

A BUNCH OF GOBBLEDYGOOK
In spite of my outrageous good looks
And the stealing of girls hearts, whatta crook
Other qualities I have
Like expelling lots of gas
But that's just a bunch of goggledygook

GIGGLES IS MY GAME
Happy Jack is my name, giggles are my game
Laughter and frivolity are my main claims to fame
My days turn out great
When my poetry shakes
With the sillies, I post without any shame

THE CREAM OF THE CROP
What sweet people and poets to boot
The cream of the crop and that's no poop
A great place to reside
You'll be bursting with pride
And that long face of yours will no longer droop

SEX ON A TABLE
There once was a lady named Mabel
Who enjoyed having sex on a table
Had to watch for the cutlery
Could cause pain quite utterly
Bet you haven't heard of this well-known fable

RIDING BAREBACK
Once knew a gal named Juliette
Who liked to perform as a duet
On the back of a horse
Riding bareback of course
Delivering mail for the pony express

NAUGHTY SPOTS
“Open wide”, said he, “wanna see what you've got
Settle down, I'm your dentist, wanna see your chops
Your mind's in the gutter”
Then he started to stutter
Began to squirm as she inspected his naughty spots

SWORE LIKE A TROOPER
There once was a lass named Hortense
When she spoke she didn't make any sense
An interpreter was needed
But the interpreter cheated
Swore like a trooper, made the air blue and intense

OD'D ON VIAGRA
Hickory, Dickory, Dock
Overdosed on Viagra, whatta shock
My wee fellow looked up
Said, “You ain't no pup!”
I cried, “This guy don't go by no clock”

A THREE WHEEL BIKE FOR OLDSTERS
So it's back to the days when I was a wee one
Bought a three-wheel bike for oldsters, what fun
Now don't you guys laugh
When they write my epitaph
It'll say, “This old geezer was not to be outdone”

SEXY SWEET SMELL
An obsession with the ladies I'll surely admit
And the sexy sweet smell all you ladies emit
Love every one
Totally come undone
When you touch my parts, it flips my switch

TOO RAUNCHY
Happy Jack is going to turn over a new leaf
Gonna be prim and proper to everyone's relief
Been much too naughty
Getting way too raunchy
But trust me, this hiatus will definitely be brief