The celebrated jumping dog of Montgomery County

If yours truly seeking a part time gainful employee... as an ideal prairie home companion, (who chews up freshly laid down shag carpeting - urinates to mark territory, shreds down filled pillows, important mail, et cetera...and a part time gainful employee mainly to retrieve all sorts of items such as balls, rubber baby buggy bumpers for the kiddo(s), sticks, slippers and newspapers, et cetera look no further than the snout with human like expressions (quite an insult, but I smiled right thru the seat of said smart Alex pants) while on my best in show - way to be shown around the webbed wide world, and exploited as a freak of nature, the following ruff literary endeavor came to mind in a futile attempt to bridge and broker an exercise from the sublime to the ridiculous teased along courtesy cobbling kibbles for dogs and equivalent healthy comestibles for humans, which would involve a large mixture of chopped, unseasoned, cooked whole foods like vegetables, grains, and proteins. Other human "complete" foods that provide all necessary nutrients, similar to how dog food is designed for dogs, include meal replacement shakes (like Huel or Soylent), fortified breakfast cereals, and some ready-to-eat meals.
Although impossible mission from the get go, nevertheless I tried to envision how in tarnation the byproduct of genetically cross breeding between a generic Homo sapiens and Canis lupus familiaris would yield Homo lupus familiaris or Canis lupus sapiens.
As an exercise in the far fetched realm of inter species seeds of a human life being successfully implanted both in the female dog or woman to discover visa vis the most viable highly successful modus operandi, which process of injecting sperm into an egg with a syringe is called intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI), a highly specialized procedure used during in vitro fertilization (IVF) to overcome significant fertility barriers, whereby the syringe used to inject directly a single, healthy sperm into the center of an egg, bypassing the natural fertilization process yielding hybridism (the end result being the four footed (almost forfeited offspring due to severe rebukes from countless alarmists, who feared nirvana qua foo fighting beastie boys plus amelioration of bond) between man/woman and his/her best friend, but if still receptive to sign an adoption consent form I willingly let you continue to read the remaining agreement), I now submit the following:
Thus I now proceed with none other than a BONAFIDE QUASI STELLAR COVER LETTER - arf...arf...arf...
Since nary a handy dandy blue's clues exists within my skill sets to craft an unadulterated legitimate cover letter, I took prosaic license to make believe how yours truly id est interested in me), would aspire to be churched by our doggone father thou art in nevaeh nevaeh land, nevertheless I plumbed the depths of an overactive imagination of mine to present the following ludicrous example of said requisite pet a file when submitting poetry and/or prose to various and sundry writing websites.
Impossible mission to guess how to proceed to flesh out grueling task to cobble together that deployment of English language, a most basic instinct to most every other bipedal hominid without being accused of committing a faux pas with one or more of my four paws, and I bristle with indignity when compared and contrasted with other pups within the litter who get smart quick.
Please forgive this stray hep cat grist for the mill agrarian bumpkin, equalitarian, latitudinarian, Luddite, sexagenarian and Unitarian, though he never learned to write a cover letter, nor acquired professional writing skills.
Truth be told...?
Though flip flopping like a Dogfish host out of water (small, bottom-dwelling sharks that live along the northern Pacific and Atlantic coasts they can travel long distances, and their habitat can range from dark depths of 3,000 feet to shallower waters receiving ample sunlight) alternating and generating at will courtesy power of suggestion to transition courtesy autogenic phrases in tandem viz intermediary Dogfish phase, he barely got promoted to the next grade in selective K-9 program (a phonetic term derived from the word "canine" and is commonly used to refer to police dogs or working dogs in law enforcement and military units) school so please make an exception to the rule and overlook my dearth of expertise with formality to craft a satisfactory traditional cover letter.
One dark and stormy night, I went to bed as a full fledged struggling sixty six year old writer at my wits end what to expound upon, when a severe case of writer's block set in and found recourse to relaxing in the E-Z reclining chair and I awoke with a bark after experiencing somehow becoming transformed into a generic person with a body coated with fur, and a noticeably long tail. Little did my wife realize said transformation, (who best be referred as my rightful owner), and would be aghast and dumbfounded how her spunky husband changed into being a pet dog, who did not yet learn NOT to sprawl upon the furniture, which appurtenance meant for people.
I that doggone muttering son of a carnival barker christened Matthew Scott Harris, a nineteen seventy seven Methacton alum, and an eccentric and opportunistic kindhearted sexagenarian suddenly got wrought into a canine - after being born a bouncing baby boy January xiii, mcmlix at The Christ Hospital within Mount Auburn, Ohio) reflexively, instantaneously, automatically shied away from the spot (klieg) lights, and avoided crowdsource most of my vi and lx orbitz round the earth mainly on account of being gifted with introvertedness, which minimized by chomping on powder milk biscuits, which magically mysterious and top secret ingredients gave this once painfully shy person (essentially a figment of his imagination) formidable courage to face fearful fixes such as sharing literary endeavors without folly, nor fanfare for the common man, who relishes Appalachian Spring, whereby recognition sought courtesy google.
Far from understandable how difficult to adapt to the webbed wide world of civilization and its discontents (cause from perspective of a pooch, the vast swiftly tailored and harried styled ultra madcap frenzied - pardon the pun dog eat dog world) heralded a slack jawed (adrip with drool) adjustment, an additional fifth dimension arose linkedin and of course compounded courtesy man/woman made manifold more challenging with indecisiveness about choosing a (what?) vocational pursuit amidst the plethora of choices found yours truly totally at my wits end as a formerly freshly minted Methacton MCMLXXVII graduate (truth be told, who barely squeaked, albeit yipped) by to receive high school diploma, and eventually (predicated on an obvious inter species identity crisis to say the least) subsequently hopscotched (matriculated) from one College/University to another disenrolling without acquiring any degree.
Though a brain drain, (who didst refrain from modus operandi to acquire associate, bachelor, masters, and into the rarified doctorate - doggerel a bitch to master), plus one who lacked the academic credentials of an English major, I sought recourse and plumbed breadth, depth, and scope within myself to present experimental paw zing (poetry) courtesy yours truly, whose reliance on who he formerly considered himself, (a liberal minded Caucasian, non establishmentarian opportunistic literate older gentleman - sexagenarian to be exact suddenly wrought into a puppy) sought to share his exultant passion with thee only lingua franca known to me new self i.e. generally referred to as canine communication, which encompasses various forms of nonverbal cues like body language (tail wags, ear positions, posture) and vocalizations (barks, growls, whines), and by the way internet slang term DoggoLingo or Doggo-Speak refers to human-created language used to describe dogs, not the language dogs use themselves to English language conversion quite a daunting task to say the least!
Without the advantage of academic sources, and/or employment services (I receive monthly social security direct deposits to help me defray costs of living now with veterinary bills, and spend most every waking moment holed up in this man cave/dog house heretofore known as B44), thus principled uncertainty prevails when submitting literary endeavors of mine, especially writing cover letters.
Though mostly of bipedal hominid stock, lock and barrel, I can vouchsafe Canis lupus familiaris vibrant dominant bloodlines constitute lock, stock, and barrel constitute my robust genetic disposition though yours truly strongly resembles Homo sapiens in body, mind and spirit, which cross breeding back in the day of proto humans boosted an extra sensory perception to communicate with Georgie, the family pooch, who served as four legged fine prairie companion since mien kampf as a full term new born commenced on January one thousand nine hundred and fifty nine years after the common Airedale dog (A.D. for short) first recorded in the annals of human civilization.
Initially bred for mascot of local firehouse with an undocked tail to boot, yours truly born and suffered with a cleft palate, thus automatically disqualifying me to meet the rigorous demands staying in lockstep formation with chief fireman.
All manner of mine psyche keyed toward the generic garden variety pooch, which hopefully explains the absence (grr... paw city) of literary, (albeit dogmatic) written words, which creative effort fraught with utmost difficulty.
If lucky, yours truly predicts posthumous canine fame.