I wish...

I sit and ponder
What could’ve been.
A different life,
A different sin.

What would have happened,
If I had stayed,
With my mother,
As her maid.

Would she look at me,
And say,
“You are beautiful”,
“Please love, stay.”

Or would she look at me,
With a tear in her eye,
And wonder,
Exactly why,
She even kept me alive. 

A waste I say,
Just one cry away,
The life I once loved,
Drowned in dismay.

Tears of anguish,
Tears of joy,
Tears that I,
No longer cry for.

The pain of the memories,
Is far to great,
I would die,
To do it all over again.

To fix my sister,
And her thought of love,
To remember a life,
I once hoped of.
To redo the rape,
And the fact that I got blamed,
To trust again, 
And be renamed,
No longer a black sheep,
But maybe a swan?
No, no, never...
I am just a pawn.

Repressed memories,
That I wish I understood,
But no one believes me,
I wish they would.
But I am the problem,
Always the one to blame,
The product of destruction,
The one that should be tamed.

“I don’t deserve to be here”,
Is what they say,
But what do I deserve,
After all this pain?