Jed's Lament

(Sung to tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies")
 
 
 
 
Jethro, listen to a story
From your Uncle Jed:
I woke up this morn
And found Granny in my bed.
It shook the horse bells on me
As I touched what she had shorn.
No warmth in her hen house,
She was stiffer than corn.
                                Cob that is.
                                Outhouse kind.
                                Big cock tease.
 
Well at first I thought Hoo doggy!
What’d I get into?
I was troubled so much worser
Than a possum in hot stew.
Then I rolled her o’er to wake her
And she fell hard off the bed.
Old Duke howled beneath her;
Jethro, Granny was dead!
 
I was hurtin’ bad all over
From my heart to tail.
I wrapped her up in ripped sheets,
Kicked aside the moonshine pail.
There wasn’t much of woodshed
Left to build a casket still,
So I loaded her on truck
And I drove on up the hill.
                                      HumBum Hill.
                                      It’s in her will
                                      To be buried there.
 
Well halfway up,
Heard a cackle from behind.
“Doggone it, Jed!
Get me out of this bind!
Fetch the horse liniment!
Ain't so stiff as I am sore!”
She jumped in the front
And my jaw hit the floor.
 
Swear, I never thought that ol’ truck
Could do hunert and eight.
Granny has some fanny.
Yeh, that surgeon’s job was great.
Her bubbles rose high
As she kissed my horny toad.
The next thing I knew
We was spinning off the road.
 
Well the truck is dead and splintered
In a ditch nearbouts.
My jeans are ripped.
Granny’s bun is all torn out.
Coulda lost more
If she hadn’t spat her dents.
Learn, Jethro, from this
As I give ye my two cents:
                                  Don’t sex and drive.
                                   Arrive alive!