Rivers in Me

I wish I could go back, to the little moments where I knew we were breaking and change the situation, 
I wish I could go back and show you how each little lie ripped me at the seams. Because now all that’s left is two broken hearts, distorted memories, and lost dreams.

I feel you, I’ll be walking down the street and I will notice our little restaurant, the booth we always sat in, and suddenly you are there with me, holding me close and we are laughing – only for a second before the slamming realization comes to me that it was all false, that it can NEVER happen again and there is nothing I can do about it.
I hear you – when I am wanting to make coffee and I go to offer you a cup, only to hear your echo leaving me once more,
I see you every fucking time I go to hop into bed and your side of the bed is empty.
I’m constantly looking for you – In bars, in movies, songs, and at the traffic lights, praying I will bump into you just for that glimpse of your beauty. 
It kills me to think of how you lied and all that we could have been, it haunts me daily.
I find myself pretending to fall asleep in your arms, feeling the ghost of your lips kissing my hair, squeezing that small line of fat you have on your tummy from comfort; it lulls me to sleep at night remembering our giggles and laughter, me napping on your lap during long road trips. 
I know I need to recall the evil moments to muster up the strength to never return but my goodness it is killing me slowly, I feel myself unraveling without you and I find myself blabbering your name in my sleep. 
I roll over, reaching for you and wonder where’ve you gone. I picture you in our little house, missing me, or cooking dinner for one, and I think that is the absolute worst – Imagining your pain and not being able to save you anymore.  
You torture me daily, I know people say we need to move and get through but I don’t know if I can anymore….. You bled me out until the rivers in my soul ran dry and my goodness how I wish I could hate you, but my soul will not allow it.
Your phone calls begging me to come back are torturous because I know that I must not go back. 
It still plagues me, this pulling at my heart, I can feel my subconscious reaching out for you and I do not know how to turn it off. I wish I could make you understand, just drum it into your head how I actually feel but whenever I try, my guard comes up and my mind will not allow my voice to project that far. I was serious when I said I was leaving. I was building a barrier daily, every day you stopped choosing me, I withdrew a little more, and I know you say we can have it back, but the truth is we can’t. I do not know why I just know we can not.
The fucked up thing is though, as much as I know we are over and as much as I tell you we are over, it still breaks me every damn day I am not with you. It doesn’t stop me from wishing that you would come running through the door and tell me it was all a really messed up dream. It doesn’t stop me from playing our song. Every awful thing you did to hurt me does not stop me from loving you, and wanting you near, and that is what screws me up most. Because in the end? If I had it my way, I’d choose you, every day of my life, I would choose you.  But what hurts the absolute most? Is I did choose you, over everything, I put you above all and you abandoned me.