Funny cover letter accompanied with equally outlandish résumé

written more than two dozen
dirty deeds done dirt cheap years ago.
when we (the writer of these words
and his then young family)
own our first computer,
a state of the art
COMPAQ PRESSARIO
with then revolutionary Windows 98.
sum may kin sitter me a phunny poe it
and stop reading at this point to exit
lest they become fit
to be tied
and also zat i majored in engleesh lit
that an allusion based on me wit.

at deux score plus eel leaven years young
this book loving man a culled mwm
squeezed to the utmost
like some dishtowel handsomely wrung
which oral appurtenance takes
lock, stock & barrel
of teeth re: lower and upper rung
spews perceptions in his trademark fashion
noah mutter he gets stung
climbing the vocal virtual ladder
to the uppermost tier only
(and might be interpreted
as that historical Oedipus complex
by Sigmund Freud/ Carl Jung
which former father of psychoanalysis
attributed mucho woe to being well hung
like named olympian personification sisyphus)
upon the tarmac to be flung
yet this balladeer foresees
that someone could read my odes
which must rank as pure dung.

this neo nonconformist
quirky cover letter of sorts
conveys an itty bitty
raw bit size actual work experience
(from this older
mister mom who lives west
of the philadelphia city)
nonetheless, i hanker
(NOT to be confused with HACKER)
which prompts the following ditty
moi computer trouble shooting abilities
some may ascribe as nitty gritty
on a par with
the secret life of one walter mitty
whom destiny protected and took pity
merely meant to be silly
yet also an attempt to be witty.

thus...to preface the following windy reply
let me state the obvious that i like to write
ideally a thought provoking diatribe versus
some string of words rather trite
where pythagorean theorem
applies to triangles right
which verbose verbiage tends
to be long winded
and vaguely understood quite
and the perfect panacea
if in deed ye suffer from insomnia
this verbose trenchant query
will help thee sleep peacefully at night
as ofttimes occurs from the likes
of this middle aged/
medieval rusty olde ordinary knight
whose physique (albeit slender
and healthy body mass index)
ranks a boot average in height.

i confess to being a pure breed muddied
half blood muggle prince
and bona fide seeker for employment
does reckon the following poetic way
not necessarily follows the formalities
to reply as most would readily say
yet why adhere to conformity,
which paradigm frowns on creative a tay
which atypical modus operandi to reply
a positive reply and job i pray
even if the outcome
per offering spurious interest
turns out to be nay
from this perch where mien
hometown west of philadelphia
da anonymous, eponymous, humorous holistic
frito bandito doth lay
who frequently dons
his mask of incognito on any given day
e'en those dawg dayz of summer
when the beats the earth into clay.

anyway to shift
figurative gears ever since mine birth
may show subpar academic performance
and immediate thin work history i.e. dearth
no matter borne
upon the horn of plenty
sans this planet earth
yet decided to resort
to verse to induce a byte size mirth
the travails and calculus o life reflected
with a thin nada so grueling resume
of requisite (sought after) technical expertise,
i do possess the attributes well worth.

this doodling non-banjo dueling
dromedary deliverance seeking dude
and (to be truthful
mister mom) - quite versatile
doth admit who owns a far out mien
frequently feeling moody blue
thinking to join the blue oyster cult
akin to some psychedelic wrought tile
(as scrawled with graffiti
on the funky subway walls --
echoing the sounds of silence)
likened to hip-hop
snoop doggy reservoir dawgs
far out with inxs style
p'raps game to be
one pince nez wearing pinch hitter
from this guy noir receptive
for a suspenseful
seat of the pants riveting movie
who hales from this home town
where people enjoy
to chit chat about inane topics
avoiding controversial materiel that doth rile
a boot which 98 windows t'will open
and googling an awesome vista
or caterwauling exploring snowy leopard
or net nearly s'caped fiery fox
maybe dis one or dat large cats
to help thee feel groovy
per to hire one aspiring aged hippy kat
maintaining equipoise
every virtual green day mile.

no way no how
would this nonestablishmentarian
be mistaken for a chippendale
who just for the record
lives west from philadelphia over hill n dale
hoop ping that fate can be massaged
to summon forth something
akin to the holy grail
boot in the corporeal essence of a human gal
moost hearty and hale
with a tendency toward
vegetarian diet of worms
including leafy greens let us and kale
to help keep healthy as an ox moron,
this garden varietal,
generic germane, married male.

if you might just allow me to boast
and blithely use iambic pentameter to coast
maybe even given the opportunity to eradicate
re: exorcise any binary ghost
offers bytes of helpful
information from this pc host
hence this response to the online post.

so...without further ado i will slightly brag
to tell of an ability to conduct understand dos
from thee microelectronic
various nooks and crag
manage common system utilities
such as plucking tweezer
like bits of floating digital flotsam
and jetsam within mine cranium
tooling with thee ac/dc charged registry,
scan disk and defrag
installed, resolved dsl issues,
performed scan-disk
and troubleshooting glitches
such as applying commands
sans removal of dos files,
installation and/or extraction of error
causing hardware or software to flag
likewise uninstalling software,
running registry sweeps
in an attempt to remove bugs and errors
that cause this machine
to cough and gag
akin to the sputtering
of some hypothetical wizened old hag
invariably causing processes as downloading,
sending, uploading, et cetera to lag
if chance smiles on further consideration
like a happy pup his tail
for her/his master will wag.

thar this syncopated cap'n
of the english language blows
and offers a smattering
of moi yam bic samples
that t'will finding ye
in a deep rem cycle snoring doze
from dis ordinary fella who travels
via some harris tweed scottish floor mat
so...without further ado
about nuttin here goes...
like the great blue whale
whose water spout analogous hose
from that trade mark
porpoise less finicky dolphin
known as bottle nose
easily confused with the poor pose.

the above bit of personal
palaver i.e. poetic pablum
merely meant to convey
an atypical manner from this older mwm
with some follicles of gray
who enjoys temperatures
akin to basking in the sun during
those warm months of april or may
unless being chased
by some ferocious beast of prey
i readily admit
not to be a marathon runner
hoping said golem like creature will
(upon my stern request) stay
nor does this generic guy participate
in any competitive sports type
this son of a gunner
who accepts that he doth
newt necessarily always get his way
unless he changes his name
to mick jagger thus getting
whatever he wants - yea.

so...via me own patois brand
d'ya still need a literary hand
joost thought to inquire if a job i kin land
ideally with a reputable brand.
get ready and set
to put down your pontoon boat
per this reply to brook
ratter than shriek upon first blush
at this rather verbose lengthy email
perchance taking a cursory look
my hum blessed apology
for what might read
as pure unadulterated gobbledygook
if spoken over the phone or close
by might make me sound
like some babbling kook.

boot...boy oh boi would this pa
be enthralled to reside in this faux pas reel
or virtual quadrant of the world
and mebbe e'en earn me some substantial buck
perhaps such a fate would become
my pioneer esprit d' corps sunny
whose tongue would
(like a flipper) manifest destiny
twirled inside his mouth evoking noisome cluck
if this guy noir properly
lines up his gull able quaking duck
yet due to the uncertainty principle
(known in me noggin as flux)
and perhaps a positive out come
will take place with gathering angels
atop a pin to pool me lucky charms of luck
versus being trapped
in vices of mires and muck
evoking that swan song of harp strings
one bad arse bard of Belmont Hills pluck
envisioning even performing task manually
serving the role
whose lithe fingers corn shuck
or being a test driver
for eco-friendly cars, planes, or truck
which t'would putt
a screeching halt to the penury yuck.

this fettered displeasing situation i would gladly trade
which life drab, hopeless, lackluster
and essentially rather staid
if all and/or most
of the relocation costs would be paid
this prospecting/prospective employee
would consider packing his hobbit sized
bill bowed bowling green bags
for said plans to get made
yet only scrutiny of me credentials
will determine if this
generic guy noir makes the grade
and if this older papa
then of deux prepubescent daughters
considered no challenges he will be afraid.

my assertive, contemplative, decisive, elusive, furtive, introspective motive and pensive personal predilections could be perfect for ascertaining and scrutinizing the quarks that seem to aggravate any user of technology.

nonetheless and despite responding in a most non-conventional/ non-establishmentarian formalistic manner, this netizen plows (with his furrowed brow) full stanley steam ahead.

anyway, i real lee downplay
TOOT ting my own horn
from this jimmy crack corn
from a kernel borne.

GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT QUEST

pixar could nada pay enough for this trainer
of apple chomping antz anew
so i wonder if any chance whisker of employment
thru this contrived virtual toy story
qua ratatouille poetic brew
could materialize into a likely chance
such an idea generates me to shrek out
with excitement and dance
just in case a glimmer of some prospect exists
for this self anointed bard
and one who dislikes formality
of Belmont Hills
now presents his
(very obsolete) technical skills
which he hopes to enhance
hence, this chap offers
his following poetic expression to take a glance
and mebbe help this intuitive
homo sapiens per
his income to expand too en-hance
which byte size bit torrent humor
might cause ye to soil your pants
after misinterpreting this mishmash
as some rave and rants
per even a part time need exists
please let me so of some positive stance
with subtle intent as worth hiring,
to sway some au currant
series electronic charge
and ideally affect hypnotic trance.

i betcha never gotta a reply like a this
iambic pentameter electronic wire
from a boyish looking
blood muggle father up in years
(whose nonpareil courage
to face Voldemort never does tire)
and two grade school girls
would consider him a worthy hire
less so to rake in gobs of money,
but to satiate nearly
unquenchable hunger and thirst
for further (ahem)
bits of computer know how to acquire.

no matter how many miles by car
(actually your company might be
within dead man walking distance)
this opportunity would not be considered to far
also hoop ping that responding in rhyme
being considered nada mar
to use my acumen and interest
and technologically spar
using graphical user interface programs
to get unstuck from virtual feathery tar.

iambic pentameter might not constitute
traditional standard genre for a cover letter
i see no reason with rhyme why
my own non-conformist modus operandi
cannot serve as me
own mode to communicate pursuit
as a computer repair technician go getter
which honest to goodness confession
might seem cheesy from this guy who like cheddar
and hopefully affects positive virtual impression
from other respondents at least a bit better.

by the way i would accept a starting
and/or negotiable salary as a starting wage
in an effort to support this self proclaimed sage
whose role can double up
as a court jester, joker, or page
hopeful this poetic synopsis offers a favorable gauge
and in tandem enriching
my fount of knowledge
more valuable at this advanced age.

y'all might think this reply balderdash and rot
which may matter bo diddly squat
no matter i herald from royalty
with salient strengths
as being a prestigious scott
butta mister harris nada gangsta rapper
sustained by a diet of worms
and an aperitif of kumquat

boot he does not smoke booze
nor drink from a chamber pot
and a student of the establishment he is not
who lives in narberth going on
oh quite many years that = quite a lot
yet moxie by proxy
this poet then of Belmont Hills doth got
and might elicit salient characteristics
similar to a salient humanoid bot
hoop ping if nuttin else
jew goot to chuckle alot.